Doc: Shouldn’t it be “The Doctor is JIN”?
Ha-eung: Sure, sure. There’s a 100-nyang bounty on your head, but we’re not at all worried about that, are we? Why don’t you just march to the police bureau and give yourself up? Save the officers there the trouble of hunting for you. In fact, I might as well take you there myself now.
Doc: All right, no need to flap; it was just an innocent question. Back where I come from, it’s basic courtesy to tell people your name.
Ha-eung: I don’t know what backward village you hail from, but over here you lie low and stay out of trouble, you hear? You treat the people who come, I collect the payment, and together we…
Doc: But I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m neurosurgeon Dr. Jin Hyuk!
Ha-eung: New, old, so what? You’re new and I’m old, although I’m pretty sure I, Lee Ha-eung, am just days older than you. See, a creamy complexion.
Doc: I said NEURO. Oh, never mind. So we just sit here and wait for people to come? What if nobody…
Ha-eung: Did you feel that?
Ha-eung: A sudden chill in the air. Strange. The sun’s out and the trees are still but I’m starting to get the shivers.
Arang: Dang, they can’t see me.
Eun-oh: Try blowing on the bushy-browed one; that might work.
Arang: Your sense of humor kills me. Wait, I forgot I’m already dead. Waah!
Eun-oh: Why don’t you shriek some more and summon your favorite ghost chaser at the same time?
Arang: Great, now you’ve gone and ruined my entire day. Don’t remind me of him!
Eun-oh: Look here, Ms. Ghost. I don’t know why you’ve dragged me here or why I’m even talking to you. I’m a magistrate, a very busy man. I have pressing matters to tend to. Good day.
Arang: How can you just leave? We even slept together!
Eun-oh: We did not!
Arang: I stared at you all night and counted every breath you took and every snore.
Eun-oh: I don’t snore!
Arang: You have no idea how prettily you snore.
Eun-oh: Just so you know, I do not succumb to flattery.
Arang: I know. You’re cold and unfeeling; you care not a hoot about what’s going on around you; you aren’t even afraid of my kind. But guess what? You’re just a wounded soul searching for love.
Eun-oh: I’m not searching for love, I’m searching for my mother… Wait, why am I confiding in you?
Arang: Because you really want to! Deep down you’re lost and hurting; you’ve wept till you can’t weep anymore!
Eun-oh: Since you’re so good at this, why do you even need to consult that doctor? You should be the one doling out the treatment. Just set up your own makeshift stand and start…
Arang: Oh my, I’ve completely forgotten why I came. Sir, where do I even begin? You see, I was just a hapless girl living a charmed life, but one day I woke up and realized to my horror that I had died. Died! I could not remember a thing…
Eun-oh: He can’t hear a word you say. He’s not me; he can’t see you.
Ha-eung: Looks like we have our first customer and an insane one at that. All noble-like and yet talking to himself. In so agitated a manner, too. Make it quick but charge him double.
Doc: Are you in pain? Is your head hurting?
Ha-eung: Just our luck. The guy’s not only crazy, he’s slow-witted to boot. Who let him loose?
Doc: It’s not the slow I’m worried about, it’s the crazy. What if he turns violent? You saw how wildly he was gesturing earlier.
Ha-eung: Do I look like someone who’s afraid of lunatics? I saved you, didn’t I, even though you looked crazier than this man when I first saw you.
Eun-oh: I don’t like how these two men are staring at me. I’m leaving now.
Arang: Wait! Don’t go, please. Speak to the doc for me. Tell him I desperately need to solve the mystery of my death, but every magistrate I’ve approached has keeled over from shock. All of them except this new magistrate who spent a night with me yet is totally heartless and refuses to help… Ouch, what are you doing?!
Arang: Take your hand off me!
Choi Young: Take your hand off her.
Eun-oh: Don’t you order a magistrate around. Who are you to be so impudent?
Arang: I was going to ask the same question, minus the impudence bit of course. Who are you, oh gallant stranger? Since I’m not invisible to you, perchance you and I are of the same otherworldly species?
Eun-oh: Careful now. He might be a ghost chaser in disguise. Don’t they all wear black and zip through the air? I think that’s how this one arrived.
Choi Young: That was a long time ago. I mostly walk and run now. Allow me to introduce myself. I am General Choi Young and I protect He Who Reigns On High.
Arang: Oh, oh, I know who you mean!
Choi Young: You do?
Arang: The one with the really comical hairdo, right?
Choi Young: You wench! How dare you insult His Majesty!
Arang: Oh, it’s not the Jade Emperor?
Ha-eung: Good grief, another one gone berserk. Is there something foul in our Joseon air today?
Doc: You don’t see me talking and yelling to myself, do you? The air’s fine, but I am beginning to feel a chill like you. I vote we make ourselves scarce before the two mad men turn on us.
Ha-eung: We’re not leaving until we earn ourselves some nyang!
Arang: Don’t be angry, good general. You are too handsome to be…
Eun-oh: Why are you looking at him in the same besotted way that you looked at me last night?
Arang: Ha! Now you admit we slept together.
Eun-oh: Stop being delusional!
Choi Young: Stop shouting at Arang!
Arang: You know my name? You know my name!
Choi Young: Well, I do possess special powers. Want to see?
Arang: Yes, yes, show me!
Choi Young: Okay, just for you. Only you can see. Not those two men gaping at us, and certainly not this quack magistrate.
Choi Young: Enjoy!
Doc: Now what is he doing, spinning and grinning?
Ha-eung: Guy’s loony, just ignore him. Hark, a maiden approaches. Put on your most doctorly demeanor, quick!
Choi Young: Milady, you look very familiar. Have we ever shared a sweet love, the two of us strolling hand in hand and…
Young-rae slaps Choi Young. Dr. Jin imagines himself slapping Choi Young.
Young-rae: How dare you!
Doc: HOW DARE YOU!
The general smiles, the incredulous way a guy might smile because he’s so hot he can’t believe a woman would lay a finger on him except in lust.
Choi Young: You’re so lovely I mistook you for a girl I once knew. My apologies.
Doc: Don’t look at him, Mi-na, look at me! It is indeed you, my darling! How did you get here? Did you fall off the hospital rooftop like I did?
Young-rae: Sir, I do not understand.
Ha-eung: Neither do I and I’ve seen some pretty queer stuff in my life.
Young-rae: Sir, my name is Hong Young-rae. I do not know this Mi-na that you speak of.
Doc: Babe, did the accident rob you of your memory? It’s me, Jin Hyuk! Remember you bought a cake for me even though it wasn’t my birthday? Must have been some cake because one thing led to another and soon you and I were getting it on…
Ha-eung: The two loonies infected you or something? What’s with the nonsense you are spouting?
Choi Young: Did that bug-eyed shorty over there just call me a loony?
Eun-oh: Shall I teach him a lesson for you? I’m a magistrate with real powers, unlike some people who…
Arang: Guys, leave it to me.
A headless Arang floats up to Ha-eung and does a little dance number for him.
Young-rae: Sir, your friend just passed out. Flat on his face, too.
Doc: What in the world now? Mi-na, don’t go; wait for me while I revive him.
Young-rae: Please hurry. My brother’s wounded and bleeding badly. Please come at once.
Choi Young: Milady, I have a better doctor for you. She’s a divine healer and can sew up neck wounds real good. Even the most rubbery skin is no match…
Doc: Look here, you-whatever-be-your-name. No one does sutures like I do. In fact, no one wields the scalpel like I do. I’ll have you know I’m the best surgeon in Gangnam. I have pictures; want to see?
Arang: By golly, that coconut looks delicious. So much pulp!
Eun-oh: This painting is unusually lifelike. What ink did you use and where can I purchase it?
Choi Young: Whereabouts in Goryeo is Gangnam?
Doc: That’s not a painting, it’s a photograph. Of a brain. All of us have one, although some of us use it more than others. Want to see more pictures?
Arang: Is that some kind of taffy? I want!
Eun-oh: That is even more lifelike than the first painting. Why, it even looks human! You are a gifted artist indeed.
Choi Young: That’s nothing. You should see my abstract art.
Doc: Wow, that’s very impressive. Plenty of Gangnam galleries will want that in their collection.
Choi Young: Whereabouts in Goryeo is Gangnam again?
Doc: Goryeo? I thought this is Joseon?
Doc: Yes, my sweet Mi-na?
Young-rae: I revived your friend.
Doc: You did! Using CPR, my clever girl?
Young-rae: I am not acquainted with the method you speak of. I simply slapped him twice and he sprung back to life.
Doc: What happened? Why did you faint all of a sudden?
Ha-eung: A ghost. I saw a ghost. Mother!
Eun-oh: That reminds me… It’s getting dark and I must hasten now.
Arang: I’m coming with you!
Choi Young: I’ll come along too except my eyelids are closing as we speak. If I do not sleep for three days straight, my disposition turns sour and I’m liable to tear apart a limb or two. Is there an inn nearby?
Arang: There’s that hut where the magistrate and I spent the night. Let’s all go there, the three of us. It’ll be so awesome!
Eun-oh: Will you just quit bringing that up?!
Eun-oh remembers that night. How can he ever forget?
Eun-oh: It’s not what you think. Don’t believe a word she says.
Choi Young: My mind’s chaste, don’t you fret one bit. Shall we go? It’s starting to rain…
Arang: You look mighty fine, General, with the raindrops glistening on your face.
Choi Young: I know.
Doc: I’m going with Mi-na to her house now. Wait here for me; I might be a while.
Ha-eung: You can’t leave me behind; she might come back!
Doc: That’s just your imagination going wild. Ghosts do not exist, trust me.
The doctor leaves, as has everyone else. Ha-eung stands alone and afraid, a pale shadow of his former self. In the distance a figure emerges. Ha-eung’s hair begins to stand, but as the figure looms larger, he sees that it has a body AND a head. He lets out a sigh of relief.
Eun-soo: Help me, please!
Ha-eung: Tell me everything. There’s a discount of two nyang just for today, and if you return tomorrow, you get an additional one nyang off.
Thus encouraged by this kindly psychiatrist (how fortuitous to find one here of all places!), the woman proceeds to spill the beans. Her tears and gasps commingling, she weaves a story of kidnapping and time travel so unbelievable Ha-eung’s eyes would have popped out were he paying close attention to her words. But no, his eyes roll at first and then begin to close. The last time he had this much fun was when he had heartburn for a week after eating an undercooked rice ball.